Do you ever have a nightmare that you just can't shake?
When I was a kid, we had a lagoon in the backyard with alligators. I had a recurring nightmare that the house had caught fire, and, for some reason, I could only get into the backyard. Of course, the alligators were out of the water, and I would get eaten. Wake up, cry, sleep, repeat.
As a grown up, I had this preconceived notion that I would grow out of nightmares. Like my favorite pair of jeans. For the most part, my adult nightmares are contained by daytime worrying. It isn't something that wakes me in the middle of the night. It's something that keeps me unfocused on occasion during the day.
More recently, I find myself waking in a cold sweat, unable to sleep, tears running down my face that I don't remember crying. Sometimes, I'm back in the OR waiting to be put under, hoping that everything is okay. Sometimes, I'm waking up in recovery to find that my baby didn't make it. Sometimes, it's SIDS.
Nightmares. Some are things that have actually happened, some stem from things that could happen, and others are your worst fears realized. I know that, however scary it may have been, I made it through that surgery just fine. I know that Harrison is a healthy little boy. I know that it is highly unlikely that he will just stop breathing. For some reason, all the rational thought in the world will not stop the nightmares.
Here's to hoping that I outgrow them. While we're waiting, I'll try to fit back into that pair of jeans.